Sweeter than a Swisher

"I hate guys who call me “chief”. I hate that my girlfriend sleeps with a mouth guard. I hate my girlfriend. I hate people who breathe heavily. I can hear you breathing. That is not good. I hate guys who insist that they’ve never measured the size of their dick. I hate girls with bangs. I hate breakfast. There’s too many things going on in the morning to eat. I hate when people tape things to walls. If you’re not going to properly frame it, it’s probably not wall-worthy. I also hate it when fat people don’t walk on an escalator. I hate when my straight friends won’t look at my dick. I hate when homeless people try to shake my hand after I give them money. I hate large nipples. And small nipples. I hate handicap parking spots. Why do you ge to park so close? I hate fruit on the bottom of yogurt. Mix that shit up. I hate that girls hate having abortions so much. I hate when I tell people I don’t watch 30 Rock and they’re like, oh my goodness, I can’t believe it, it’s the best show ever. I hate the guy who sneaks a beach ball into a concert. Really, a beach ball? Good call, fag. I hate when people hold their ears when an ambulance goes by. It’s a siren. Deal with it, you pussy. I hate when people invite me to things. I hate that there’s more than one show about things that are made out of cake. It’s cake. I hate that people laugh sometimes when I tell them how good looking I think I am. I hate when there’s nuts in my chocolate chip cookie. You don’t need to healthy up my dessert. I hate that people pretend Pamela Anderson is still hot. I hate that gay men are the only ones that are allowed to wave with two hands. It’s fun."